I was poking around in Aldi tonight when I saw a whole lot of those new-wave ‘cupcake’ containers in the special aisle.
Don’t let me get started on how they will slide around there, beneath the fancy clear plastic lid which says, hey look at me, I’m a baking wanker. Sorry, this was going to be an article for The Australian Women’s Weekly, because they have a huge readership and a whole section devoted to such butchy type things as cooking. But now I have been rude and it’s only the first paragraph, it’s pretty clear that the reason you are reading this here on my blog (should it be the feisty blog, or the thrifty-living blog? don’t ask me this side of my periods (and that’s periods in plural because ‘just flippin’ ‘cause))…
What has happened to the battered cake tins and Tupperware containers we grew up with? I’m harkening back to a time when you made your own biscuits and cakes, and Danish butter biscuits were seriously posh in their posh Danish butter biscuit tin and something old people kept for special occasions. And you can be damned sure they kept the tin afterwards to put buttons in or they went to the shed for nuts and bolts.
I mean hardcore cake tins that did the rounds of the back of a four wheel drive with a work dog and the kids in the back and the smoko esky? Yeah, and all those crackled crusty bits of icing and chocolate cake which us kids couldn’t get enough of.
Back when cupcakes were FAIRY CAKES – and do NOT get me started on the Americanisation of fairy cakes.
Let’s have a look at having one of those WCCs (Wanker Cupcake Containers) says about the person touting it around.
- This is your first time baking and you want Donna Hay to pat you on the f*##$%ing back for it as if you just lost your twee cooking virginity. You even used flour and eggs, and like, real food, and like like – like not packet food. You have gourmet coming out of your aerating backside.
- You want everyone to know that you are carrying something big and they’d better not get in your way on public transport because your precious cupcakes are more important than anything in the world.
- Alternatively, you are an experienced baker, and you want everyone to know that you are serious about your fundraising muffins for the school fete. They have been decorated with sugary-shit out of a packet flowers and crap that you never made, but you are a great home cook, and nobody – NOBODY – is going to bake better than you. Also, you have delivered them in the boot of your four wheel drive, instead of just putting them on the back seat like a normal person. You want everyone to think what’s in the boot is a huge haul, but frankly, call me when you’ve made five dozen fairy cakes and not the miserable two dozen obese cupcakes that sit side by wobbling jowl with each other.
- You say baking instead of cooking.
- You cannot convert Fahrenheit to Celsius and vice versa.
- You are too gutless to take potluck with your fairy cakes falling over in the tin on a ride over a rough road, or under the care of children who have been told not to eat any.
- You have no idea how annoying your bench-hogging fancy cupcake container really is – seriously, it needs an island of its own.
- And you have absolutely no idea how good the inside of a cake tin smells when it has been sitting in a hot cupboard facing the sun.
There, I feel better.
If you don’t have an apron, tuck a clean tea towel into the waistband of your trousers. When you have finished making a mess of yourself, put the tea towel straight into the laundry basket.
c. Kylie Lawrence 2013.